Dear Old Best Friend,

You were like my sister. The very few times I would walk into my house without you beside me, right away I’d be asked where you were. Last summer we were together every single day, I’d help you nanny. I’d help you babysit your siblings. You were always there for me. When I got in an argument with the guy I was talking to, or when I got in a argument with someone in my family. You were always there for me when it came to my friend’s boyfriend.. When he’d spread rumors about me. Talk shit about me to everyone. And when he’d send me snapchat videos from my friends phone bitching me out for no reason.. You always told me “don’t listen to him he’s just an asshole” you sounded like a broken record, just repeating yourself all the time. Then you’d go off about how my friend wasn’t a good friend for letting him treat me like that. 

Two years ago today; I never would of guessed you’d be in that other friends position with the same exact guy. Letting him do the same thing. You’d ask me why we weren’t as close anymore.. When you asked that I seriously couldn’t believe it. Like you honestly have no idea? You told him to call me and apologize. After 3 calls of him bitching me out and me hanging up each call, I finally sent him to voicemail. In that voicemail he called me a cunt and after that “you know there’s just things in life you don’t wanna do? Yeah this is one of those things. I don’t know why I’m even suppose to apologize. It’s not my fault you’re just a little bitch..” And he went on.. And on.. And on.. For over 6 minutes. What do I hear in th background? You laughing at him. Some friend you are. 

You told me you’d cut off the communication because it wasn’t worth losing a friend over. You said you’d never let a guy get in between us. Then you keep talking to him. Keep it a secret from me. Once I caught you, you said he made you happy and you were mad cause I “didn’t want you to be happy.” No I was mad because if you would of actually cut it off after that first weekend you wouldn’t have got attached to him. 

The guy you say you’re “so madly in love with” cost you your best friend. You don’t even care. You’ve seen his true colors when he was dating my other friend, and boy, I can’t wait for you to see them again so you can realize how much of a jerk he actually is. I’d tell you I didn’t like him. What did you come back saying? That you didn’t like my boyfriend. You only hung out with us once. You don’t actually know him nor did you make an effort to. I was friends with your boyfriend before you even knew of him, when he was actually nice. But now he’s brainwashing you. Hope you realize that soon..

My Rock Bottom..

It’s hard to believe a couple years ago I was in one of the worst places of my life. Being a teenager in high school, having anxiety attacks while I was curled up under a blanket on the floor in my room, or in my closet, screaming bloody murder cause I was just so pissed off at the world. My dad would come running in; not to see if I was alright or what was going on, but to yell at me and tell me to stop. He never really understood the whole anxiety thing. This began to be a normal occurrence. Too much going on. Too much for me to handle. 

 A couple days after my birthday, I was in bed studying for finals, not that I would think it would help at all. I was convinced I was going to fail every class. Especially physics. Man, did I hate that class. While studying my phone kept blowing up, which isn’t usual. So I look at it, my mom’s going off about how I need to move out of my dad house and in with her. I told her I was studying and couldn’t do it. She went on to say she and our “relationship” we’re more important than school. She told me I had to get out. Fast. Her reasoning was it wasn’t safe there. He’s an alcoholic. He’s alienating me. He’s brainwashing me. & the list goes on. Which none of those things are true. Her and school were the two things that triggered my attacked. Studying for finals & getting texts from her non stop when I’m not even replying, sounds like a great night right? Especially, when it’s 1 am and you have school at 7:30. Right as I start to calm down, I get a text from an old close friend. She was in the ER. A car hit her, causing her to hit a patch of ice, than continued to drive off. She rolled in the ditch 4 or 5 times. She’s in a neck brace, if she wasn’t wearing her seatbelt she wouldn’t of made it through the first roll..

Wide awake I lay in bed, wishing it was me in that car. I didn’t want to deal with the harassment from my mom. I didn’t want to deal with my dad not understanding how I felt. I felt like nobody understood. All my friends parents are together all my aunts & uncles. I just didn’t care anymore. About anything. I guessed on all my finals the next couple days. Not only the finals but every test the next semester. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I didn’t think I’d get through high school. Even if l did, not like I’d go to college where I’d have to pay thousands of dollars to fail classes or be put on academic suspension. Why waste the time? The effort. The money? 

Some days now I still feel like i don’t want to do this. But I know it’s just a little valley and I’m about to have a peak.  

Lost

I just want one of those cute relationships with him but I’m surprised when he texts me 1st or even just replies. When we text, can be a dick and act like he doesn’t care; but, in person he’s totally different! Like he looks at me like how all girls want a guy to look at them. He thinks it’s okay for him to have a girlfriend or hook up with girls, but he gets mad when I just talk to other guys. He sends me mixed messages all the time. I want him to stop sending the mixed messages or we just need to stop talking. I don’t wanna lose him though. Like right now he has a girlfriend for like a month, and in this past month we’ve hung out more than we did during the summer. I know that’s bad, I don’t want to be “that girl” but I got to the point were I felt like I was losing him. At 1st I told him I didn’t want to hangout with him while he has a girlfriend, but I caved. I just didn’t wanna lose him. When we hangout we can’t just be friends. Either he avoids me or were wanting to get together all the time. When we 1st started talking 4 years ago, he was embarrassed to be seen with me. He’s one of those guys that are in football and basketball, so in everyone’s eyes he’s great. We’ve never talk in school, mainly cause we don’t see each other, and we never hangout with his friends. I don’t know, it’s just really confusing and I don’t know why, but I can’t forget him. He’s literally all I think about.. We’ve never dated either, that’s the thing. He’s told me he’s loved twice but me we’ve never dated and he’s only told me over text, so I didn’t know if I should have believed himĀ or not.. but now I think I’m feeling the same way. I want to send him a long text about it, but I know him. He’s not going to reply, cause he “doesn’t read books.” as he likes to say.